**WARNING VENTING AHEAD**

My emotions are all over the board lately. How is it we can be happy and sad at the same time?

So happy about being a Grandma

Sad they are so far away

Happy for RW"s job

Sad that it's in Alabama

Happy to hear David say, "Gram maw I love you"

Sad I can't hold him

Happy for the year I had with him

Sad for the time I will not have with Caleb or any other baby that comes along.

Sad that I will never have a relationship with them. No birthday's, no first day of school, no school plays, no sports, no cuddle time.

Missing my Cassie..oh my heart hurts. 

I can honestly say that not having Jeff here I am sure intensifies these feelings. I am hurting, angry, sad, mad, lonely and feel so bad for Grace and Jeffrey. So yes I am venting, whining, complaining whatever you want to call it and I am posting this.

I often struggle with how "real" to be on my blog. Oh the posts I have written and not published.While I know the Lord as my Savior I am still human. So while I know that God has walked ahead of me I do have feelings of frustration. The difference is that with my hurt I can call on my Father to help me through. 

In my distress I called to the LORD;
   I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
   my cry came before him, into his ears.
Psalm 18:6

One of my favorite verses

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Thankful to have a Lord to come before me. 

26 years

Twenty-six  years ago today I married my best friend. I feel so blessed to have spent nineteen of those married. But, I also mourn the loss of what could have been. On our 18th anniversary Jeff wanted new wedding bands. He chose two beautiful silver bands. I remember just weeks before he went home he handed his ring to me because it no longer fit. But told me he always loved me and he always would. I miss you babe so very much.

I can say this. while the days flow into weeks and weeks in to months..months into years. One thing remains I still have an empty place in my heart. I was chatting with a friend the other day about how not having a spouse enables me to be there for others that I would not normally be able to do. I am thankful for that. My prayer everyday is to live and do for the Lord. But most of the time this ol' heart of mine is hanging by a thread. Loneliness can be crippling. It is by the grace of God that I get up and face each day. I miss the days of knowing just by having Jeff at my side everything would be okay. I miss that.

Memorial Day 2011

Human history has proven time and again that freedom is not free. Freedom demands a price, and that price is blood. Blood has been, and always will be the price of a free people. Today, I am thankful to the warriors, past and present, who have paid that price. However, I bow my heart, my knee, my mind, in worship and gratitude to Christ who has set me free from the penalty of law and sin.

 Today Is a day we set aside to remember those who have served this great land. I can honestly say that as a former Army wife..there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about the men and women on our armed services. I am proud to be an American and I am a proud to have held the title Army wife.  

Today I think fondly on the men I know and have known who have served this great land. My Grandfather's Everett Pilkington (Army) & William Porter (Navy), My husband Sgt. Jeffrey L Chrisman (Army), Sgt. Jerry C***(Army), SFC Mike C*****(Army retired) & Sgt Robert G***** (Army). My son in love and another dear young man who are both still on active duty so I won't mention their names. But these are just a handful of the men I am proud to know. 

God Bless our Veterans and God Bless the U.S.A!

Missing my man + a need to create =

Mother & Son

Put this together just for fun. I have never had a child that looked like me. Cassie is the spittin' image of her Daddy and now David is following suite. Just fun to watch David grow and look so much like them.

2010 in Subway Art form

Book Wreath

I don't know if you have seen these or not but they are becoming quite a hit and expensive to buy! So I sat down one Saturday and made my own! I found this blog and I was off and running with my glue gun! I decided to use a couple of Jeff's old books and was thrilled when I found one one he wrote "X-Man" (for Chrisman) in! Here is my finished project and by the way I LOVE THIS WREATH! It hangs above my desk and I have not tired of it yet. By the way I tucked the xman in where I could always see it. Oh and the reason the cost is high to purchase these is that they are very time consuming but well worth in the end.

Things running through my head!

Do you ever wish you could crawl into the arms of Jesus? Or ever feel like you know your gifts that the Lord gave you and yet Satan creeps in and tells you that you are not worthy or good enough? I am having that struggle right now. I have been blessed with a love for children having had one the natural way and two adopted loves. I have felt a pull towards doing foster care and yet here is where the struggle comes in.

Having lost my husband five years ago to cancer there have been times over the years that I feel I just can't do it all. Note the "I"... I am so thankful to serve a Lord and Savior that is there 24/7. Because let me tell you I have been on my knees! It is so hard being a single parent..the loneliness alone is deafening, the chores..come on seriously I need a man around! But, the Lord reminds me in..

James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4.Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

..that he is not done with me! My hearts desire is to serve God with all my heart. I will continue to pray about foster care and go to scripture to hear my Lord tell me that I am worthy of His love and that He promises to continue caring for me and my children as He has by placing such dear friends in our lives.

Faces

David is quite the character. I thought I would share with you his serious face. This is the face he gives when is uncomfortable or to anyone he does not know or is not sure of. It's funny Jeffrey used to do the same thing..made me feel bad when folk's would try to get him to smile and he just stared at them.



This picture is David happy and content. When we are at home this is what we get to see all day. He is a happy lil' man and we sure do love him!

Thankful Thursday

*I am thankful for the friendships I have..I love my church family!

*I love waking to "good morning Momma".

*I love that Jeffrey is so tender with Cassie contracting. He rubs her arm and tells her, "it will be alright".

*I am thankful the doctor had something good to tell Cassie today! 1.5 cm and 90% effaced!

*I am thankful for all the little hugs I got today from Jeffrey and the Vaughan kiddos. Just love them all!

*I am thankful that tomorrow is Friday and I get to pick Grace up from camp!

*I am thankful and love the thunderstorm we are getting...smells so good outside.

What are you thankful for today?

Birthday Girl

Ten years and three weeks ago we were blessed to have had an incredible woman walk into our lives. She was 37 weeks pregnant and wanting to give her baby up for adoption. We spent time together and she chose Jeff and & to be the proud parents of her baby to come.

On Friday July 2, 1999 at 4:24 pm we welcomed Grace Rae Chrisman into our family. After praying, wishing and hoping for 13 years to have another child we finally did! There are no words to describe how we felt. We had just months before had given up trying to adopt and said if the Lord wants up to be parents again..it will happen. I cannot tell you how many people thought we were nuts..but with the Lord all things are possible!

At the hospital
Daddy's Girl
Sister's
I know as parents we all say it..but it's amazing how time has just flown by. I remember this day ten years ago has if it just happened today. Grace is amazing, loving, caring, kind, generous little girl. She loves Jesus with all her heart and she is an amazing prayer warrior! She does not stop praying about a prayer request until the need is met. I just love that about her. So..HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRACE may you love every minute of being the big 10! I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK!

Side note..Grace and Jeffrey share the same birth mother. A woman who will always have a place in my prayers and heart.

Happy Valentine's Day

I wish all my family and friends a wonderful day! This day always holds a special memory for me as 24 years ago today Jeff purposed to me! Today the kids are playing outside while the weather holds and I am trying to mend a cold while staying indoors crocheting.

Four Years

Four years ago today my best friend and husband went home to be with our Lord and Savior. Today as every year is bitter sweet. I didn't want Jeff to suffer anymore with the cancer and yet I wanted him here with me and the kids. There is something about getting passed this day though. I guess it is remembering the day we had to let go. I rejoice that Jeff knew the Lord, I am so thankful for that. I am just lonely for my best friend and sad that with each passing year Grace remembers less and Jeffrey..well, his only memories are the ones we tell him.

To Jeff..thank you for the memories, our three beautiful children and your unfailing love for us. I can't wait to see you again my love!